I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
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Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Worst perfume name ever.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
the council will decide your fate
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
me doing my best
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅