Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.