hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store