Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The photographer’s assistant
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.