If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
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-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?