ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper