Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
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if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I know this now 😂
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late