Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.