Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
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Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Where is your GOD now????
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman