Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
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Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.