[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
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This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.