My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
You Might Also Like
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops