[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
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[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Me too door. Me too.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.