Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free