I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless