Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
You Might Also Like
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
When they try to steal your moment.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker