Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
This is Sparta
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”