I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
A bold strategy
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.