We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
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You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I can fix him.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
just pretend nothing happened
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.