My favorite type of men is ramen.
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I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea