Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz