my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
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I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Trumpy Cat
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad