Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
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Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life