Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
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[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.