Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Mad Max Arctic Road
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them