Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
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Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns