Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
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Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed