*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh