What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Brilliant!
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*