dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
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If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?