Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
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OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger