So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.