It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me