Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
🙅🏻
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver