You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday