A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.