What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
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Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
How to make infinite energy.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit