Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
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Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls