Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
You Might Also Like
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]