*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
podcasts
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
oh no, steve’s working tonight
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*