Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
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Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground