Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
You Might Also Like
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I triple waxed for this?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.