Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
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Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The fall of Netflix
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.