Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.