Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
#polloftheday
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
podcasts
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.