[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
You Might Also Like
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.