I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM