*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…