ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.