– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.